Prelude to darkness part 2
Summer 2001
The effects of being off my meds completely began to set in. I had trouble sleeping, and I was angry all the time for no real reason. I blamed my parents for a lot of my problems because, afterall, it was their fault I was alive when I clearly did not want to be. Not that I was totally suicidal. I would descibe my thoughts as borderline homocidal.
Like many people I know, I used ICQ to chat with friends. It's strange to think about now, but random girls would add me to their list and chat with me. I befriended one girl who lived in London and I chatted with her everyday, bearing my innermost with her. We talked a lot about dating and I told her about the Terrly fiasco. She said the immortal words. "Oh that is so sad. We should go out." My spirits lifted.
We agreed to meet at Joe Kool's on Richmond street. That night I did my best to look presentable, put on cologne and and got on the bus to go downtown. I got to the bar expecting to see her but she wasn't there. Well, I told myself, it's still early. Order yourself a beer and she should be here shortly.
Well one beer turned into two and then three, and now she was well over 45 mins late. As I finished my fourth beer I realized I'd been had, and I went to the upstairs patio and ordered some food and plenty of beer to wash it and my troubles down. When I was done, I walked up Richmond and ran into a childhood friend, Ryan, and he asked me what was up. I said "I've just been stood up"
"Ouch, man," he said. "You gonna go get drunk?"
"Already there, man" I said.
I had a few more drinks at a different bar and I took a cab home. I woke up the next morning and my mom asked me how my date went. I told it went shitty and that I got stood up. I went online on ICQ and found out from a friend of the girl that she was only kidding about meeting. I've been unable to trust any online dating things because of this experience.
At this time I hated my job. I thought of nothing more than getting out of there when I went to work. And it showed. So much so that my boss wouldn't give me extra hours because of my attitude. Again, being off my meds I had severe emotional problems. I started listening to Korn and felt like only heavy metal understood how I felt. I wrote lyrics to a song and sent them in an e-mail to Aleks in Germany. They went something like this:
I'm going to kill you motherfucker
I'm gonna shoot you in the head
I'm gonna kill you, donkey licker
I'm gonna kill you till you're dead
Aleks recorded himself playing guitar and singing these words but in a sort of mellow, acoustic way. I laughed in spite of myself.
At this point I had serious plans to ask out Kathryn from work. When she announced that she was transferring to central, I took this opportunity to ask her out. Of all the girls I've asked out, she seemed to give the most positive response. She agreed to have coffee after our last shift together. We went to the coffee shop on the corner of Dundas And Richmond. We talked about our respective troubles, me with my mental illness, and her with her dysfunctional family. I could stand it any longer. I tried to be subtle but it wasn't working. It was time to be blunt
"I feel really close to you," I said
"I feel close to you too, Todd" She said
"I want to start a relationship with you"
She told me she couldn't handle being in a relationship, and that she would only end up pushing me away. This wasn't turning out to be my summer for romance
We said our goodbyes. I promised to show her around the college once school started
which was in a few weeks. All this plus an increasing insomnia caused me to consider getting back on the meds. I had no idea what lay a head of me in the fall of 2001, the darkest period of my life.
The effects of being off my meds completely began to set in. I had trouble sleeping, and I was angry all the time for no real reason. I blamed my parents for a lot of my problems because, afterall, it was their fault I was alive when I clearly did not want to be. Not that I was totally suicidal. I would descibe my thoughts as borderline homocidal.
Like many people I know, I used ICQ to chat with friends. It's strange to think about now, but random girls would add me to their list and chat with me. I befriended one girl who lived in London and I chatted with her everyday, bearing my innermost with her. We talked a lot about dating and I told her about the Terrly fiasco. She said the immortal words. "Oh that is so sad. We should go out." My spirits lifted.
We agreed to meet at Joe Kool's on Richmond street. That night I did my best to look presentable, put on cologne and and got on the bus to go downtown. I got to the bar expecting to see her but she wasn't there. Well, I told myself, it's still early. Order yourself a beer and she should be here shortly.
Well one beer turned into two and then three, and now she was well over 45 mins late. As I finished my fourth beer I realized I'd been had, and I went to the upstairs patio and ordered some food and plenty of beer to wash it and my troubles down. When I was done, I walked up Richmond and ran into a childhood friend, Ryan, and he asked me what was up. I said "I've just been stood up"
"Ouch, man," he said. "You gonna go get drunk?"
"Already there, man" I said.
I had a few more drinks at a different bar and I took a cab home. I woke up the next morning and my mom asked me how my date went. I told it went shitty and that I got stood up. I went online on ICQ and found out from a friend of the girl that she was only kidding about meeting. I've been unable to trust any online dating things because of this experience.
At this time I hated my job. I thought of nothing more than getting out of there when I went to work. And it showed. So much so that my boss wouldn't give me extra hours because of my attitude. Again, being off my meds I had severe emotional problems. I started listening to Korn and felt like only heavy metal understood how I felt. I wrote lyrics to a song and sent them in an e-mail to Aleks in Germany. They went something like this:
I'm going to kill you motherfucker
I'm gonna shoot you in the head
I'm gonna kill you, donkey licker
I'm gonna kill you till you're dead
Aleks recorded himself playing guitar and singing these words but in a sort of mellow, acoustic way. I laughed in spite of myself.
At this point I had serious plans to ask out Kathryn from work. When she announced that she was transferring to central, I took this opportunity to ask her out. Of all the girls I've asked out, she seemed to give the most positive response. She agreed to have coffee after our last shift together. We went to the coffee shop on the corner of Dundas And Richmond. We talked about our respective troubles, me with my mental illness, and her with her dysfunctional family. I could stand it any longer. I tried to be subtle but it wasn't working. It was time to be blunt
"I feel really close to you," I said
"I feel close to you too, Todd" She said
"I want to start a relationship with you"
She told me she couldn't handle being in a relationship, and that she would only end up pushing me away. This wasn't turning out to be my summer for romance
We said our goodbyes. I promised to show her around the college once school started
which was in a few weeks. All this plus an increasing insomnia caused me to consider getting back on the meds. I had no idea what lay a head of me in the fall of 2001, the darkest period of my life.
posted by The Doctor at 6:43 PM
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