"When I lost my mind, I knew I was in for a long ride" part one
I've been wanting to tell the story of my mental illness, and the best way to do it I think is to tell "how it all started".
When I was a kid, I was obsessed with science fiction, especially stuff about aliens. I still love sci-fi but my love is tempered by my illness and what happened when I was 12....
Aleks and I had been wanting to become more independent and go watch movies ourselves without any parents. I was especially nervous the day we went to see this movie. Some might call it a premonition, others would say it was my illness and that what happened was the wrong thing at a fertile time. The fact was this movie scared the shit out of me. It was a movie about alien abduction. I became paranoid about aliens. I was terrified to go out at night. And sci-fi, though I still liked it deep down, was suppressed. I still to this day remember very clearly the whole movie. I almost have like flash backs. Things will trigger memories, almost as if it happaned to me.
I figure that at the time I was going through my first bout of depression. I have since been diagnosed with bipolar with psychotic depression, which means on top of the 'normal' depression symptoms I have delusions and obsessional, even paranoid patterns. Deep down I thought either (a) I was or resembled in some way the guy in the movie or (b) the movie was a warning from God to keep me from certain paths.
For years, my entire time in high school, I placed barriers in my mind. I couldn't do certain things without arousing what I called "The Fear". I was deeply paranoid about aliens, and kept my problems to myself until in grade 10, I could hide it no longer. I told my dad. I didn't think anyone would understand. It wasn't just aliens, the paranoia had spread to other areas.
To give an example of the way I thought, I thought because I liked Queen before I saw the movie, I couldn't like them afterwards, as if liking them had somehow caused the badness to happen. All the while I pushed back the barriers as I talked about it with my dad more. I couldn't have facial hair but I grew a mishapen goatee, I couldn't like heavy metal, but I was getting into bands like guns 'n' roses. I was even growing my hair out which was a major barrier. I even watched sci-fi movies like 2001: Space Odyssey and the later Star Trek movies. Although I did fight my barriers, I would often think of the movie at night, and my mind would race and would have a debate with itself. I would usually wake up in the morning resolved but tired from lack of sleep, and it would usually take a few days to return to 'normal'. Eventually, following the longest stretch without these "night attacks" in 1999, I felt there was no need for barriers. That is when the shit hit the fan.
In the winter of 2000, I completely broke down. I tried to reconcile my old fears with me rediscovery of my love for sci-fi. Soon my paranoias became ubiquitous. I couldn't do anything because "The Fear" was in all things. I was hospitalized and put on medication (I will talk about this in greater detail in another entry).
I realize now I was putting barriers on who I wanted to be, and who I really was because I thought it resembled the people in the movie, but the truth is I am, and the things I like are, nothing like that.I now have long hair, a beard, and I wear clothes that I was once too paranoid to wear. It is my active rebellion against the irrational fears. It took a long time to get to this point.
I don't believe my problems are gone for good because I thought that in the fall of 2004. I did a group project on extraterrestrial life, and I read a book on UFOs which depicted what happened in the movie. Shit hit the fan again, but thankfully I got things under control, so I did not have to go to the hospital again.
It is not just UFO stuff that would set mne off. The debate between free will and determinism is one that has set me off, particularly in the fall of 2004. Another thing I have experienced is thinking that nothing is real. That is a really scary feeling that only three inadequate words come close to signifying.
As I say I am a lot bettr now but I don't let myself get too comfortable thinking I have it beat. My GP and Psychiatrist say that I have a mental version of diabetes, and that I need to keep things in balance. It is not always easy but I've learned that as bad as things can get, I always get over them somehow.
When I was a kid, I was obsessed with science fiction, especially stuff about aliens. I still love sci-fi but my love is tempered by my illness and what happened when I was 12....
Aleks and I had been wanting to become more independent and go watch movies ourselves without any parents. I was especially nervous the day we went to see this movie. Some might call it a premonition, others would say it was my illness and that what happened was the wrong thing at a fertile time. The fact was this movie scared the shit out of me. It was a movie about alien abduction. I became paranoid about aliens. I was terrified to go out at night. And sci-fi, though I still liked it deep down, was suppressed. I still to this day remember very clearly the whole movie. I almost have like flash backs. Things will trigger memories, almost as if it happaned to me.
I figure that at the time I was going through my first bout of depression. I have since been diagnosed with bipolar with psychotic depression, which means on top of the 'normal' depression symptoms I have delusions and obsessional, even paranoid patterns. Deep down I thought either (a) I was or resembled in some way the guy in the movie or (b) the movie was a warning from God to keep me from certain paths.
For years, my entire time in high school, I placed barriers in my mind. I couldn't do certain things without arousing what I called "The Fear". I was deeply paranoid about aliens, and kept my problems to myself until in grade 10, I could hide it no longer. I told my dad. I didn't think anyone would understand. It wasn't just aliens, the paranoia had spread to other areas.
To give an example of the way I thought, I thought because I liked Queen before I saw the movie, I couldn't like them afterwards, as if liking them had somehow caused the badness to happen. All the while I pushed back the barriers as I talked about it with my dad more. I couldn't have facial hair but I grew a mishapen goatee, I couldn't like heavy metal, but I was getting into bands like guns 'n' roses. I was even growing my hair out which was a major barrier. I even watched sci-fi movies like 2001: Space Odyssey and the later Star Trek movies. Although I did fight my barriers, I would often think of the movie at night, and my mind would race and would have a debate with itself. I would usually wake up in the morning resolved but tired from lack of sleep, and it would usually take a few days to return to 'normal'. Eventually, following the longest stretch without these "night attacks" in 1999, I felt there was no need for barriers. That is when the shit hit the fan.
In the winter of 2000, I completely broke down. I tried to reconcile my old fears with me rediscovery of my love for sci-fi. Soon my paranoias became ubiquitous. I couldn't do anything because "The Fear" was in all things. I was hospitalized and put on medication (I will talk about this in greater detail in another entry).
I realize now I was putting barriers on who I wanted to be, and who I really was because I thought it resembled the people in the movie, but the truth is I am, and the things I like are, nothing like that.I now have long hair, a beard, and I wear clothes that I was once too paranoid to wear. It is my active rebellion against the irrational fears. It took a long time to get to this point.
I don't believe my problems are gone for good because I thought that in the fall of 2004. I did a group project on extraterrestrial life, and I read a book on UFOs which depicted what happened in the movie. Shit hit the fan again, but thankfully I got things under control, so I did not have to go to the hospital again.
It is not just UFO stuff that would set mne off. The debate between free will and determinism is one that has set me off, particularly in the fall of 2004. Another thing I have experienced is thinking that nothing is real. That is a really scary feeling that only three inadequate words come close to signifying.
As I say I am a lot bettr now but I don't let myself get too comfortable thinking I have it beat. My GP and Psychiatrist say that I have a mental version of diabetes, and that I need to keep things in balance. It is not always easy but I've learned that as bad as things can get, I always get over them somehow.
posted by The Doctor at 2:16 PM
1 Comments:
You have alot of character Todd, not alot of people go through what you have and are able to talk about it. It takes alot of guts to tell the whole world your story. I salute your courage sir.(posted on the wrong thread! sorry)
Wes
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