Moodness, Genius, and God

I remember very clearly as a seven or eight year old riding in the car with my dad and grandmother from Toronto wondering what the future would hold, when I would have to say final farewells to members of my family, who I would grow up to be. I felt something that day...a premonition but of the vaguest kind as if I was calling out to the future and getting clouded, dreamy response. I felt something similar, and in varying degrees of clarity and strength at other points in my life before major events in my life took place. The strongest and most clear was the day grandmother passed away.

I remember in grade 9 when I was surrounded by a dark cloud of fear confusion and psychosis musing over what it would mean for it to be too late to be saved. Like Padme pleading to Anakin to come back while there's still time and realizing that they've passed the point of no return. I remember the feeling of exile that building a wall around myself brought when the psychosis was at its worst in high school. This was before I let anyone know even a glimpse of what was going on inside me. No could understand, I thought.

What is the point of talking about these dark memories? It is to understand that mood can make you attuned to things beyond yourself but also closed to them. This is a very Heideggarian idea which lends to mysticism but I personally feel that my "disorder" is nothing more than a corruption of my natural sensitivity and attunement. I am not claiming to have supernatural abilities. But I am suggesting that those like me who are keenly sensitive tend to be seen as madmen and/or geniuses. I'm no Mozart, nor am I DaVinci. I simply experience the world differently, and that's what I think genius is.

The corruption of a good thing is what we Christians call sin. It is the failing to hit the mark of perfection. It is not a simple matter of breaking rules but rather a fundamental deviation. I am a fallen man and I look to my Saviour Christ and surrender to Him and use the powers God has given me to do His will on Earth as it is in Heaven.

This will sound like craziness to those who have not been in close contact with me as I've gone through my spiritual journey. I am looking to become a pastor and I would like to use my story to invite whomever will listen with me along my path to God