Kathryn

Reason tells me we are unlikely to meet again.   And it was so long ago.  But I still think about the time we spent together, and how I would have done anything to please you, to chase away your demons so you could be happy.  I never believed in romance as one of my possible modes of being until I met you and we only knew each other for a short while.  I know you felt the same, but we were both severely damaged.  

You said you would only end up hurting me if we ever became involved.  'tis true.  Because we were involved (despite nominally only being friends) and I did get hurt.  Badly.  So badly that it is 11 years later and I still bear the scars.

I lost a lot that year: my brother, my sanity, my innocence, and you.  I have to let you go.  I have to let that year of hell exist in the past not haunt my present.  I have been in denial of Gordon's suicide.  I have been in denial that I can be loved, that I want to be be loved, that I want to love.  I want to be a good husband to a woman like you,  to be the loving nurturing father to children that I share with a woman like you.    I have to believe I can.  You have shown me how. 

 I hope and pray that wherever you are, you are happy, leaving behind the past and all its pain.  If you think of me at all, I pray that you remember me as someone who cared about you very much.